Twenty-Four & Tethered to the Worst and Best Parts of Myself.

Dear Readers,

I graduated college two years ago. When I say it out loud, I feel unaccomplished. Although, when I sit down and think instead of just feeling and speaking, I remember where I was mentally two years ago. And you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to be back there, so in actuality, I’ve accomplished a lot.

I got through a breakup that almost tainted the best parts of me. I moved back home and navigated a dark period with my parents. I left the corporate world, studied for the LSAT, and failed at that (in my eyes), and pivoted. I moved out of my hometown and met the man who has been the most pivotal in my journey of growth. I made money & lost it. I set boundaries even when I didn’t want to, even when it felt more painful than just not having them at all. I created a bond with my grandparents that I never thought I would have had & accepted some feelings about my family that were suffocating me.

I grew to let my friends in, to love them in the same way they have loved me for so many years. I confronted them about aspects of my individual relationships with each of them that had been in my head for years, and I cried. I cried about my breakup, about losing myself, and not letting them in. I cried to them about my family and how I felt misunderstood, and how sometimes I still do. I listened to them while they told me parts about myself that were hard to hear, but true. I mourned the past, even though sometimes I feel like I’m still living in it, like I’m tethered to it in the most unhealthy and draining way.

Then I remind myself that I survived. That I came up for air and learned how to breathe again. I learned how to live through myself instead of using someone else to keep me alive. I rewired my nervous system and learned how love is supposed to feel. I learned that therapy can help and that my mom is right at times, even if our relationship is complicated. To trust her, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I learned that I would be okay, even if it didn’t feel okay. That God will always protect & that I will always protect myself.

Lastly, I learned how to write again. One of my greatest talents and one of God’s greatest gifts to me.

I guess in these past years, I’ve accomplished more than I have lost. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at times, I did. And I’ll always remember these past two years, or more so I’ll always feel these years in me. I’ll remember the pain that came through being present & the strength that came through learning to be Makeda again.

Regards,

Makeda Adora

P.S: Please enjoy the art at the bottom of the home page, painted by my talented & beautiful friend, Ally Sukay.